Blew Up my Blog and I Have Cancer AGAIN! #CancerSucks

catfishcookedPayton and I just finished cooking the catfish he caught this morning. Now he’s in the back yard feeding the fire pit twigs from the dead pine tree he cut down this afternoon…he’s kept me smiling today as I began to rebuild my blog.

I lost this entire blog the same day I posted about the return of my cancer. An omen? Or a fresh start? 🙂 I’m smiling, but I don’t understand why. When I took Payton fishing this morning, my car stopped running on top of a very big hill. I had to call Mike and Corey, the car was towed 20 miles, when AAA only paid for 3. And I’m still smiling. That’s life.

Since I have to start somewhere…this is the post that crashed my blog:

Man looking tiredly through the newspapers collageWhy hide the news?

I was reading the The Mansfield Killings by Scott Fields last night and became aggravated; not because of the author, but the murderer really burned me. It was a book I should NOT have picked up under the current circumstances.

On Monday as I was driving to my doctor’s appointment with my husband Mike, I told him I felt like a prisoner getting ready to hear I’d been sentenced to death row.

However, a death row sentences can mean years and years of life.

This isn’t true for some cancer patients. And sure enough, the words I heard were harsh. It had been so wonderful living over a year after my first chemo and radiation and feeling cancer free!

In the back of my mind I knew this cancer wasn’t merciful.

In June of 2011 I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer, the rarest and deadliest of the breast cancers.  In the first six months, 50% lose their lives from it.  My first check up after the mastectomy, there were no cancer cells found in the breast or the lymph nodes they’d removed. .

I was elated!

The chemo had been brutal, leaving me with severe neuropathy in my feet and a little in my fingers. I can still walk, but I can fall like a feather in the wind if I’m not careful. And of course, that was exactly what I did. So I took a fall which at the time didn’t seem so bad. But the fall was over a year ago and I was having problems because of it.

When I went to the doctor recently, that is why I went. Not because I suspected the cancer had returned. One test lead to another, than another and so on. Last Monday I was told it’s in my liver, hip, a couple of nodes in my chest and my on my thyroid.

This was a hard pill to swallow. 🙂 (little pun) As my doctor said, “I was hoping you were Illustration of comic book explosion for your designone of the 10%.  There is no cure.”

Yes, those are really harsh words.

90% of the people who contract Inflammatory Breast Cancer with a triple negative factor will die within 5 years. I’m going back for chemo, but I don’t know if I’ll stay on it if makes things worse, which it can.

The moral of the story is; don’t pick up a book where the prisoner is lamenting his death sentence after brutally killing six people.The next thing you know, you could be ranting on your blog. Not that this is a rant, but it just seems an easy way to communicate the news.

One thing I discovered when I came down with this diagnosis, it’s hard to find people out there with Inflammatory Breast Cancer to talk to. So this is the first post on my new blog under the new category…Cancer Sucks!


49 thoughts on “Blew Up my Blog and I Have Cancer AGAIN! #CancerSucks

  1. I knew before reading your blog post, because of course we’d talked, so it wasn’t a shock or a surprise reading this tonight, but it’s still painful to read about a good friend having something so foul that no one should have to deal with and I can only imagine how hard it must have been to type the words. I pray for miracles and sometimes the universe listens. Then there are times I feel like I’m shouting in the wind and the Gods are laughing. I hate the “C” word. It’s akin to the Sword of Damocles, even after a good report on cancer markers, it’s still there in the shadows, hanging over our heads, waiting. And yes, it damn well does suck. But I’m a stubborn cuss and not about to give up the fight and I don’t want you to give up either. I want those imaginary blood cell soldiers correcting the problem, pulling rank on the cancer and wiping it out of your system and making you strong. That’s what I am choosing to believe is going to happen, and nope, no one will dissuade me or steer me from my stubborn will.

    Perhaps the blog crashing was a clean slate for a new beginning. The one you have now has that new car smell. Ozone and fresh, even though it may burn our eyes and make us tear up as I am now, but what I see is a beautiful woman who isn’t done and still has a story to tell. ((hugs)) In love and light, CeCe.

    • Thanks for the love CeCe! I intend to fight. I just have to work up to it a little. I’ve been on an anti-cancer/cancer-fighting diet for about three weeks now…I knew for about the suspicions my doctors had and tried to be proactive. I didn’t have a clue the fight would be against this much at once. 🙂

  2. Pingback: Cancer Sucks! #Cancer | BRIT BLAISE

  3. Your blog left me breathless – yes, cancer sucks big time. Like war, it’s indiscriminate; experience tells me it’s not hugely comforting to say that medical research is making great strides towards cures or at least, to finding ways of bringing on remissions. But this is true – cancers that were a scourge a few years ago are now often curable or controllable. And miracles do happen – I admire your courage and your will to smile in the face of all this, and I’m praying that you get your miracle.

    • This is such a rare variety that not much has been done with it. But yes there have been advances. I’m counting on doing all the little things, eating right, meditation, no stress, etc., and smiling!

  4. So very sorry to hear your news. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I really hope the chemo helps. So many people in family have been effected by cancer. It truly sucks! Sending you big cyber hugs!

    • I hope the chemo helps too. It’s almost as frightening as the cancer. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. And especially the cyber hugs. They make me smile.

  5. Judi, it sucks bigtime. But I’m sending you wonderful wishes for your life right now, and your life in the future. Because right now you’re still here. And you’ll still be here tomorrow. Hugs..

  6. I’ve always known you were a fighter, Judi, and here you prove it again. Unlike the murderer in the book you were reading, you’re not bemoaning anything. You’re sharing harsh realities, yet you say in all this adversity, you’re still smiling. You have reached out to help others. We’re here; we’re listening; we’re praying.

    • I didn’t talk about it too much the first time I went through chemo. I’m going to be more vocal this time, since I remember it being very scary. I can blog right from the hospital… 🙂

    • Thanks for the cyber hugs, Pepper. When I’m on chemo I really hate to leave the house…so the hugs come in handy!

  7. Judi, I’m praying for a miracle, but I love what Edie said and what you’re new motto is. By sharing, you are touching many. I am one of those. Thank you.

    • With a name like June Love, you brought me good vibes just leaving a comment! Thanks, June. What Edie said was indeed cool…like her.

  8. Hi Judi-
    We have not met, but that does not mean that I do not feel your pain. I’m a survivor of reoccurring cancer–I know what a trial this can be. Don’t give up. You’ll kick it’s ass. 🙂 If you need anything…even a shoulder to cry on, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

    • Danica, I think with the first go round, I really needed someone to talk to, but I mostly wanted to know about what I had that was so different from the rest of the breast cancers. There was no one who’d had it, that I found. Right now I’m handling this well, but you never know when a shoulder will come in handy. I won’t hesitate. Bless you.

  9. That’s a bit of bitch. And it takes the words right out of us. All I can say is that in my life I have known and known of some incredible miracles and my wish for you is that may find you know some too.

    • (See comment to Arianna for my miracle!) Thanks for caring enough to come visit. It may seem like a little thing to take time to give a person encouragement, but it’s like a little miracle. Thank you so much.

  10. On June 13th, 2008 my 6 year old was diagnosed with cancer. She kicked its ass and is a normal 11 year old today. I’ve been dealing with all the emotional crap that comes along with this time of year quite poorly.

    I think I should just suck it up. It could have been so much worse.

    I am so very lucky, and I will pray for strength for you and your family. I’m going to remember you as you looked with your ENORMOUS wings at the first Faere Ball and know when you become an angel, you’ll have cowboy boots on with those wings too.

    • When my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, I wished to take her place. Now here it’s been almost seven years since her recovery and so…my prayers were answered.

      Yes those wings were ENORMOUS and dangerous. I still have the cowboy skirt and of course the boots with no place to wear them. 🙂

  11. Fucking cancer. It does suck but you don’t.
    I’m a cancer survivor, not of inflammatory…I hate it when doctors give stats and percentages. I understand the reasoning sometimes, but… at the end of the day, you are not a number.
    I am a firm believer people live because they’re too bloody stubborn to die, or they have amazing willpower to live. Your sharing and your words show me you have both in equal measure.

    Sending you positive energy and strength,

    • I’m really counting on that, Eden. I had such a great day today. It’s a shame I have to go back on the chemo when I’m feeling so good.Thanks for the encouragement! You rock!

  12. I found your blog through Triberr and the headline got me. I have no words to express the horror at what you’re going through. Considering the circumstances, this is an amazing post, and I am praying for you. God bless and good luck.

    • Thanks, Avery. The support from Triberr has really been amazing. I’m going to do a post about it. Thanks for taking time to stop by.

  13. I am so sorry this happened to you AGAIN, Judi! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your attitude is what will get you through this, absorb as much positivity you can in your life, and let the negative roll off your back. Hard to do, but doable. Thank you for sharing.

  14. Judi,

    As so many others, my heart goes out to you with your latest diagnosis. There are days I’d just like to hit the “Come on, be fair!” button, but then I realize it’s a dummy with no wires.

    Many years ago, I lived a life soaked in mist and surrounded by darkness, but as I look back there’s little I would change because that childhood forced me to bury my mind in books where hope was at least possible. And those books taught me that heroes are as real as their attitudes and their actions.

    Heroes keep moving forward…as do you.

    I’d like to leave you with a brief true story, though the details have been fudged because…well, all those years of blocking out memories took their toll. Anyway, I recently listened to an in-depth interview with a young man in his late-thirties. Let’s call him Bob. Bob had a rare form of cancer that was aggressive and incurable. It took a fast and deadly toll. Within a few months of diagnosis, he had been forced to quit his job, was bedridden, and was struggling to find the strength to write a will regarding his few meager possessions.

    All hope had fled. Bob knew his clock was about to run out.

    Then his doctor called. A drug trial, albeit one with no more or less likelihood of success than all the others, had come available and Bob was invited to try it. Within two weeks, the trial effectively ended and every single participant was switched from the placebo to the real drug. Within six weeks, 90% of the patients had been fully cured.

    Only a few months later, during the interview I heard, Bob was back at work, feeling healthy, energetic, and his tumors were no longer visible to medical science.

    Here’s wishing you all the best on your heroic journey, Judi. And wires be damned, I’m pushing that button for you!

  15. You are a person, not a statistic. IMO ditch the sugar and most saturated fats (if you have them, that is), eat oily fish, daily dark leafy greens (esp kale) and fresh berries, and get out in fresh air for a walk most days. ‘Eat a rainbow’ every day whenever possible. Keep positive and be around positive people. I have seen numerous people in our cancer centre with your type of breast cancer and I do think a good anti-inflammatory diet and having positive stress management strategies do help. Wishing you all good things x

    • I ditched the sugar and saturated fats a long time ago…thanks for stopping by, Kellie. I definitely check out the support center.

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